


Standing on stepping stones

by severnova



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb being tragic, Crazy Lady, Gen, Guilt, How Do I Tag, I don't really know - Freeform, I mean she cures craziness?, Memories, Past Brainwashing, Strangers to Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 20:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20606723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/severnova/pseuds/severnova
Summary: He knew as soon as he saw their expressions that they didn't truly understand, but perhaps that is for the best. After all, they couldn't possibly realize that his life had been boiled down to a series of stepping stones. That is all they were to him, all he could allow them to be. No matter how much he may have grown to like them he was still using them. Even if they protested otherwise. Because he could almost see the other shore now, and if he let himself falter, if he let himself stop for a moment and stand there with them the raging river of his own madness and uncertainty would sweep him away again and he doesn't think he could make his way back from that again.





	Standing on stepping stones

It had felt like the ground had fallen out from under him. Like all his reasonings, his assurances, his will that till then had seemed like flawless marble, like hardened bedrock had crumbled into sand beneath his feet.

He can recall the moment with nearly painful clarity. The ash coating his tongue from the smoke. The splinters digging into his palms from the cart Astrid and Eowolf had helped him push into place. His eyes stinging from the heat.

With shame, he remembers that there had been no moment of realization, no sudden epiphany telling him "No! This is wrong." It had instead been a sort of lurch, a sharp dizzying sensation of pain and anguish that had risen up from some strange hidden place within himself even as his mind continued to loop his justifications in his ears.

And then he fell. 

The time after that he did not remember so clearly. He doesn't even know when the screams in his ears had become his own but he knows they must have. They seemed to go on forever. It had felt like drowning. Like he had fallen into a river, frothing, and white. It swept him up with such terrifying speed and strength that he had no hope of swimming. He couldn't even tell what way was up. His life became a stream of dull pain and blurred whiteness. It had seemed like time was endless. Like he had spent an eternity scrabbling for a bank and gasping for air when it happened. 

He was able to lift his head from the water. He was able to BREATH. He still doesn't truly know why the woman had done this for him. He never even learned her name. 

It wasn't a beach that he could pull himself onto and walk away. It wasn't even a boat. He could still feel the river rushing around him and pulling against him, but it was a start.

A stepping stone.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, it's so short. I'm still not sure about this whole writing thing and I'm not entirely sure if the entirety of this thought will ever come to fruition, but I thought I would give it a shot. 
> 
> Comments are appreciated and helpful for motivation so if you do want anymore just let me know <3


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